O tidings of comfort and joy

I have a Christmas Eve day tradition. Every year, I pull out my “memory chest,” and take a walk down memory lane while listening to either Christmas Music or Irish/Celtic music. The “memory chest” is nothing special; it is rather large plastic storage container where I have kept mementos from my family and my collective past.

Some years it was arduous to keep this tradition.

On December 25, 2002, my grandmother died. She had suffered terribly. From 1995 to 2002, my grandmother was going to hospitals on a regular basis. If it was not for heart surgery, it was for strokes or some other complication due to her diabetes. Her condition had deteriorated so badly by the time I was in law school that my aunts, uncles, and my mom had to place her in a nursing home. It was hard going to that nursing home on Christmas and to see the woman that I remembered and love reduced to nothing more than a shell of her former self. It was hard to look at the pictures of past Christmases where she was full of vitality and joy being surrounded by her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Back in 2003, I was still reeling from the death of my sister-in-law, and my baby niece in a car accident where the other driver was intoxicated. Moreover, it was going to be Maddie’s first Christmas. In addition, my other niece and nephew would not have their mother at Christmas anymore. I did not want to open that chest and to remember anything. The memories of my past (both good and ill) would lead me back to the lost that my brother, my family, and I had suffered. Furthermore, it would cause the scar on my heart to tear asunder, fester with anger & hate, and cause the wound to grow anew.

Yet, the tradition felt right again in 2005. It was three years since the death of my maternal grandmother. I was finishing some last minute shopping at the Mall of Georgia. After I was done with my shopping, I felt a calling to go Granny’s grave and speak to her. Like most Southerners, I visit the burial plots of my deceased relatives and spend time talking to them, but I had not been to Granny and Papaw’s grave since Granny’s death on Christmas Day 2002. While there was a more direct route from the Mall of Georgia to the cemetery, I took my time and drove through the back roads of Northern Gwinnett County and Lawrenceville. I found myself going by a number of places that had significance in my life, such as the old Button Gwinnett Hospital, where I was born, Dr. Ezzard’s office, where I spend a number of days hoping that he could find a way to make me feel better, Lawrenceville Elementary, where I first attended school, my birth home on Stone Mountain Street. When I crouched next to Granny and Papaw’s tombstone and spoke a few words, I realized that it was more important to cherish the wealth of memories and love that my grandmother had for me and I for her, and not to focus incessantly on her death on Christmas day. As I drove home, I felt a sense of joy for Christmas that I had not felt in years, and was glad to take that walk down memory lane.

Now, when I go through the “Memory Chest,” I feel a sense that I am blessed. Also, I realize that what is important in this life is to take care of the ones that I love, and have faith that I will see the members of my family and my friends that are amongst the faithful departed.

So, with all this dribble said, I want to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas to all and to all, a good night!!!!!!

Let’s bring you up to date

Well, I should update this journal more often than once in a blue moon. So, here goes nothing.

1. The SGATLiens party was rather fun, especially the parts that I can remember. I got to see most of the old school crowd, such as Llona, Sue, Spaghetti, Boychucker, Jem, and Bossanova. (A little aside – I really miss hanging out with all of you. I cannot wait to move in closer to Atlanta.) The night was going fine. Between spending time seeing old friends, meeting new people, enjoying interesting conversations about music, life, and football, and drinking a lot of alcohol, I was a wonderful time. Honest. I even ended in a bathroom with Oryon, Geckogirl, and a few other people. (Another aside – Oryon, you are hilarious, when you are tanked.) There are photographs. Really. Anyhow, sometime after 1am, my ability to recall what happened went straight to hell. All I remember is getting a little sick, Sue helping me to a couch so that I can crash, a bright flash, Geckogirl looking over me to see if I was alive, and awaking at 7am to see the end of Fight Club. The time between those moments are completely blank. So, if I did anything to offend, harass, or sicken anyone, I apologize.

2. I used to love Christmas. The sights, the sounds, the smells kept me feeling a like a child, even when I was in law school. Now, Christmas is not so joyous for me. Two years ago, my grandmother passed away on Christmas day. She had spend the last 7 years of her life fighting diabetes, heart problems, strokes, and possibly Alzheimer’s. I watched her go from the kind, gentle, and energetic woman of my childhood to a living, soul-less shell of a human being. After her passing, I did not think that Christmas would be a joyous time for me. My opinion changed when my baby niece, Madison was born on May 14, 2003. I loved holding Madison. Hell, I loved holding Mike and Kaylee, my other niece and nephew, when they were infants. Madison had spunk. At three months, she wanted to stand up. She wanted to look at people. Yet, Madison did not get to see Christmas. She and Kim, her mother were killed on September 13, 2003. Since then, I enjoy Christmas for the sake of Mike and Kaylee.

3. On a related note, I did not get along well with Kim, especially during the last two years of her life. It is too long of a story, but suffice it too say, she and I did not get along. However, I was trying to change and accept Kim. Yet, I never had the chance to tell her that I was sorry for being an ass and treating her like crap. It still bothers me to this very day.

4. I have changed jobs within my chosen profession. I am no longer a public defender. The decision to quit was in part due to burnout, low pay, long hours, but the real reason that I left was because of Madison’s and Kim’s death.

5. Now, for something completely different. My team, my school, my alma mater (twice over) will engage in righteous battle against the heathens of Wisconsin on New Year’s Day. Just as it was on January 1, 1998, so shall it be on January 1, 2005, Georgia will prevail and take the Badgers behind the woodshed and pour a cup of whupass all over them.

6. Lastly, while I have my issue with the Christmas holiday, I want to wish each and everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.