A few inconsiderate and rude comments to my clients

1. I don’t have the patience to listen to incessant whining about how life is not fair, how the DA is out to get you, that the State has no evidence against you, that the Judge cannot send you to prison because this is your first offense, or how you cannot do prison time for the charge against you. Life is not fair. The DA does not know or care who the hell you are much less spend a lot of time devising ways to ruin your life. If the State did not have some evidence against you or if the determination of your case was left solely up to you, then you would not be in my office, on my caseload, and getting ready for trial. Yes, the Judge will send you prison for your first offense, especially if your first offense is aggravated battery, armed robbery, or trafficking in cocaine. Every criminal offense carries the potential for prison time. Get that through your head. And the Judge does not give a rat’s ass whether you can or cannot do prison time. If you plea to that aggravated assault, sale of cocaine, et cetera, you better believe the Judge will send your ass to prison and may do it with a smile on his face.

2. I don’t have a magic wand to make your case go away. Think about this seriously. If I had said magic wand, wouldn’t I use it to make you go away and make my life sweet.

3. I cannot make chicken salad out of chicken shit. When you confess to a crime twice, and there are multiple witnesses that saw you commit the offense, then you don’t leave me a lot to work with.

4. Just because they give probation for sale of drug cases or trafficking cases in some other county, city, or judicial circuit, it does not mean that it will happen here. Different judges, different priorities, different circuits. The law provides the judge the ability to sentence you within the range provided by statute, not by what some judge does in Atlanta.

5. Don’t ask me to explain why the DA made his recommendation so high or why the judge ruled a particular way. I don’t read minds. Again, if I did, do you think I would be here?

6. The police are not there to act as marriage counselors, mental health providers, or provide other social services. The police are there to arrest “law breakers” and try to send them to prison.

7. No, the State will not provide you with a rehab program at no cost to you. Take that back. Yes, they will. It is called prison. If you want to get a rehab program for yourself to treat your addiction, you are going to have to find it yourself.

8. Prior Inconsistent Statements is a valid way for the State to prove to a jury that you beat the shit out of your girlfriend. Get over it.

9. On a related note, just because your girlfriend claims that she does not want to testify against you does not mean shit. There are ways the State can compel her to testify. Also, remember she was the one that called the cops on your ass when she was pissed with you. You don’t think she is going to testify against you, if you piss her off again. Please.

10. Despite all of the crap that you throw at me, the grief you cause me, the headaches that you send my way, and everything else that y’all do to make my job more difficult that it already is, I still enjoy being a public defender, and it is something that I am good at.